Hindus believe that when a child is born, he enters the world crying. His first cry sounds like Sanskrit word “Koham” which means “Who am i…”, the child enters this new world, utterly confused and asks this basic question. But as the child grows, it gets entangled in worldly things like relations, sex, caste, color, religion and other variety of the roles he plays. And the child is made to believe that he is what he is, he too accepts the dictat and he becomes the dutiful son, a diligent student, a caring brother, a trusted friend, a loving husband, an efficient employee, a good father, a dotting grandfather and just keeps on sifting through his various roles. His initial search for “Koham” disappears and he becomes “Soham” – “I am the one”.
But who really am i ? creeps the basic question in me, time and again, like the recurring pain, like a pestering stubborn child, refusing to budge, the question creeps in again and again. I only become restless, for i am really far far away from getting the real answer for my existence.
Are we just a biological mass ? with some gray cells embedded in me to separate me from other living beings? Are we destined to grow, earn, expand our family tree and just fade away into oblivion as our forefathers have done ? Even animals do alike ? But then what is that seperates man and other living beings ? Are we just a biological mass destined to die one bad day? But then, don’t we die a million of times daily ? We, afterall are made up of billions of cells and these cells die and make way for newer ones ? which means the one that we were some months ago would not the same now. I’m confused, to say the least.
Are we just a mix of chemicals ? I experienced this in a bad bad manner, at the death bed of my father, who was suffering from acute diabetes. His body was unable to control iodine levels and he would react very strangely whenever his iodine levels went down or up. He would appear a very normal person when his iodine levels were normal. All this used to happen quite frequently and one would not come to know what exactly was happening. When the Doctors explained me the reason for this, i kept on thinking even at that cruel moment whether we are just a mass of chemicals ? Who are we remains the pertinent question, then and even now after sixteen long years of his death.
Once i happen to watch National Geographic Channel and one of the commentator spoke very eloquently about the theory of evolution of the whole being, as if he was the sole eyewitness to what had happened billions of years ago, since, the topic was of my interest, i was all ears to it, the person said, that life taking place on earth was nothing but a combination of greatest coincidences. The theory that i profusely refuse to accept. How so many things happening be termed as a mere coincidence ?? Was it a coincident that there was a big bang (if the modern theorists are to be believed). Was it such a good coincidence that the earth positioned itself in perfect distance from sun, that the climate here would be suited best for survival of living beings ? Was it a coincidence that water bodies formed and through meteorites first living organisms appeared on earth and then they became amphibians and some of them left water and started crawling and then walking and ultimately flying. Then came human beings, thanks to Adam, Eve & their Apple (by the way Apple really shaped humanity, from reproduction, to gravity to Steve Jobs ). Can this all be coincidence ? Nah, not for me atleast.
Then what exactly is it after all ? are we just miniscule protagonists leaving the stage after our role is over ? If so then why are we so much possessed with worldly things ? We possess so many ambitions, we bore pride of so many stupid things, we bore ego of things that don’t even exist. We crave for money, we show selfishness, opportunism, we spend our entire lives running after these worldly things, which never accompany with us, In my life till now, i have seen many a stories of people, who cringe for their future, who are very stingy, only to secure their tomorrows they live their today miserly and before their tomorrow comes they are nowhere to be seen. I have attended the burials of so many a people and have seen their dead bodies burn and turn into ashes within few minutes, i do not forget to remind me that one day it will be my turn here. Smashan Virakti as we call here.
No, i am not moving towards spiritualism, my enquiry is just inquisitive in nature, and for the answer i have read many a books, listened to so many discourses of these colorful eloquent babas, but, nobody could convince me with a satisfying answer.
The only answer that i got, which somehow had some semblance of satisfying my query came from Sadguru Jaggi Vasudev, a mystic. From just somewhere, i could lay my hands on two of his discourses, He says that the life without knowledge is much simpler, for eg. the humanity till now knew much less about solar system, we were knowing that there are nine planets and stars. But now we know that there are millions of galaxies like ours in our milky way, we are learning about terrifying black holes, the expansion of this solar system infinitely resulting in planets going away from each others which will one day result in loss of life on earth. Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev questions the listeners, what is the net quotient of your newer acquired knowledge ? more confusion, instead of solving the mysteries we end up unraveling new mysteries. Why does this happens ? because we look outwards ? once we start looking inwards we will get the answer.
We end up being confused because we think as a third person.
But, friends, frankly, i felt even more confused, by the techno-spiritual terms, which many a times only bounced over me, leaving me half satiated and when you are half satiated your hunger increases manifold. Something similar state i am going through.
One simple solution the “learned one” gives is learn to love all, spread the message of love and make the world and your stay here a pleasurable one. But is this the only short role for which we come to birth again and again ?
Inertly though, i am happy, that atleast my search for “Koham” has not ended and i do not consider my self “Soham”. For i firmly believe the words “Deham Naham Koham Soham” which roughly translates as you are not who you think you are, or appear to be. You are simply dreaming. May be one day i would come out of my dreams into the state of self realization.
Till then help from all of you is sought🙂