That was the tenth day of her departure from this world, as a part of the rituals for remembering the departed soul and faring them adieu one last time, the process that we call as Shraddha Karya in this part of the world, the mortal remains of my mother were placed in front of me, the brahmin priest made me conduct all the rituals. I did it all in the most mechanical way, one because, I never believe in such rituals and my mind was not at peace, it was in a continuous strife, I kept on gazing on the mortal remains, pieces of small bones and ashes, were these pieces of bones that I loved so dearly as my mother? I kept on asking myself. Who was she, what was the bond between us that kept strong. Was the lifeless bones and ashes that I saw my mother? Was the feeble, lifeless body that my mom had become few days prior to her death my mother, I kept on searching for my mother, who all of a sudden passed away making me orphan forever..
This blog post is very personal, a kind of tribute to my mother who was very special. Of course, all mothers in the world are special. For me, she was my world, my first priority in life, she was my world, all of a sudden on 4th of November, 2023, a part of my world collapsed in front of me and I remained a mute helpless spectator when my mother was gasping for breath in her very last phase of existence. All of a sudden she stopped gasping for breath and an eerie silence spread all over my world. What was that, what was that suddenly went off, like a switch turned off, now she was not in pain, now she did not gasp for air to breath, she was at peace. What was that, was that the soul as we claim in Hinduism that left the body, what was the energy that suddenly left the body. I am still gasping for answers for the question, that I know is the question before the entire humanity. Of course, death is still a mystery, an unavoidable mystery.
Remembering my mother takes me back to many decades, I remember those days in the early part of eighties when I was a four-five years old kid and my mom would to stay awake whole night waving handheld fan when the electricity failed. She was the one who insisted and even fought with my dad to ensure that I was admitted to a convent school instead of a vernacular language school. She was not an educated lady, but, like my dad, she had realized the importance of education and hence wanted to ensure that her son gets the best education, the reason why I was admitted in the best school in the area. Like the people of older generation, she had very simple definition of life and identified people only in black and white, she never knew that in realities there are many more shades. If a person talked or behaved sweetly, she would assume the person was good and if anybody behaved badly, she would infer that the person was bad, an impression she would change quite often though. Those were different times altogether, simpletons they were, who did not knew tricks of the world then.
The other memory that I easily recollect were the years of my education in convent school, I had a very tough time in primary schooling, because of difference in language, culture etc and I would at times, score low grades, my mother wont recognize what the issue was and would scold and beat me, holding me responsible for not focusing on studies, wasting time with friend and not performing well. She very badly wanted me to perform well, not for her good, but for my good.
As my dad retired from government service, the family income halved while the responsibilities were only increasing, my dad could no longer work due to age related health issues, my mom was also in her late fifties, but, her grit, her determination to ensure that my studies are not affected, my education is not left halfway, took up the onus on herself, she started working in small shops as helper, she would work as a door to door saleswoman, waking up early at five in the morning, cooking food for the family, she would leave the house at nine in the morning, ringing doorbells, at times facing insults, she gulped it all, for my sake, to ensure that I had to study. She would come at two in the afternoon, have her food and again would carry a bag to sell the products. We would also do part time work by bringing products at home to assemble. Those were days of utter poverty, strife, hopelessness. Anybody could have slipped into negativity or depression. But, the utter grit and tenacity and resilience in her was awe inspiring. She would always tell me, our good days are not far away, these bad days would not stay forever. This never die spirit of her, this positivity in her ensured, we sailed through those turbulent times.
The very first thing I did, as a son, in the very first month of my government service was to stop her from working. She would try to convince me that the additional source of income would only benefit me, however, I ensured that she would no longer have to pass through the agony.
She was a fighter and fought till the last breath, she had a fall in 2014 and had broken her hip joint, which was operated upon, she showed symptoms of dementia and as days passed her memory loss only grew. In 2019, she again fell and broke another bone of her leg and doctors advised no more surgery due to aggravated state of dementia. Since 2019, she was bedridden. As a son, I took all care of her, her hygiene etc, which was my responsibility and I never shied away from it. Though she could not express her eyes expressed thanks and gratitude every time I would take her to the washroom for cleaning etc. She was very expressive.
Losing your loved one is never easy, and only the one who pass through that phase knows how difficult it is to fill the sudden void. However, the phase is also a learning, a curve that teaches you to identify the near and dear ones, the friends and the so called friends. It gives one an opportunity to refocus and reorient preferences and choices and decisions in life.
My mother was an incredibly strong and resilient woman, she faced many challenges in her life with grace and determination. A wonderful mother who loved me deeply, and we shared a special bond that will be unbreakable even after her death.
Death is the only reality, which we try to hide or ignore. She will be with me, in a formless state, she is with me in my memories, my existence and I feel the warmth of her. She will be with me forever.
Vijay's Space 